The Mailman
by secret agent zenorto
Summary: Have you ever wondered what a mailman's thoughts were? rated T because of violence at the end.  there isn't that much violence, so don't get squiemish:
1. Chapter 1

Hi! My name is Carl! I'm a Canadian mailman in Austin, Texas! Oh I just love my job, because everyone is so nice! Mr. Smith, a 70 year old man who is so happy all the time. he motivates kids to get active by challenging them to step on his lawn. then, if the kids do it, he rewards them with pointy stuff from his lawn. The kids run so fast, I swear! I wonder why they yell ''ow ow ow'' so much...

My best friend is named Roger. He is so awesome! We play tag every day! he belongs to the Keller family, and they train him really well! Sometimes he gets so into our game of tag that he bites off a piece of my clothing. Silly Roger! But sometimes I am so busy running that I forget that I have a job to do. It's sometimes hard to tell Roger to go home, so I got to force him. I usually carry him. well, he actually hangs from my pants and I limp back to the Keller house. Oh what fun!

After a long day at mail-delivering, I walk 10 miles back to my house. It's a nice, peaceful walk. I love the sound of sirens in the evening. don't you? It's the sound of justice rolling through the night, chasing the bad guys. though one time I heard gunshots. then the sound of justice turned into a spiraling scream of death. But I know one thing for sure that that night, someone with a gun died that night.

I have a nemesis, you know. His name is CALVIN RICHFIELD and I have hated him since the day I met him. we went to school together, and it's been that way ever since, from 3rd grade to college. we both had the same future in mind; to be the owner of a post office. but then we soon learned that the post office thing wasn't really possible because the post office is owned by the government. it was awkward for all of us that moment, but it faded away when I discovered two options to the situation; to either TAKE OVER AMERICA! or just be manager of the post office. I was going to go with the first option because, you know, who doesn't want to get all the perks of being "president"? but, at career day at school, some kid named Kevin announced that despotism will once rise again, and that democracy will fail as a whole, and that we are all "filthy" and that he will control us with his mind and charm, and some other crap I think I forgot to mention. did I? oh, just reread the article again, you need the extra words. Any-who, I knew that that idea was taken, so when the teacher asked the whole class what they wanted to be when they grew up, I shot my hand straight up! I was so proud and excited, but stupid little CALVIN was 2 inches taller than me at the time, so when he rose his hand, the teacher's subconscious sort of locked onto him because he was tallest, and she asked him first instead of me. well, I WAS MAD. He answered, " a working man of the 41st division of mailmen who deliver mail and other objects to the people requesting." He could have just said " mailman" but Calvin is weird like that.

Well, being a mailman, I only have to deliver for 3 of the 7 days of the week. another young guy takes my shift for the rest of the week. That leaves me at home. My home isn't much, but it's enough to keep me happy. I have no wife, though. or kids. (And no! I don't live with my mom! you and your stereotypes...) so I end up with a lot of time on my hands. But I fill up that time with something dear to me, something that you couldn't take away even if you wanted to... WORLD OF WARCRAFT! dude I totally own at that game! *snort* I have a level 84 orc warrior with tons of attack and magic points, and I ride my pet gryphon all day! say, want to join me to fight this level- oh, you don't have an account. Well, Mr. /Mrs. reader, sorry for bothering you...


	2. Chapter 2

I met up with Calvin again. ugh, I hate it when moments like that happen, because whenever I think it will be just another day at the post office, I forget to bring my pistol and HE shows up. maybe I need a rifle. or a chainsaw. Nah, ill just watch a Saw movie and learn some scare tactics from there. I'll make a mental note of that. But yes, he is really annoying, driving his FedEx truck, smirking with his stupid smile. And he does it just to annoy me. My post office owns a monopoly in this part of the neighborhood. he just loves to gloat because he has a truck, a job that pays 50 cents more, and a Mohawk (he had a regular buzz-cut, but he got a Mohawk to prove that he had more "young person spirit" in him. I swear, he is asking for it). No, I should pretend to be the IRS and tax him for 100,000 dollars! he doesn't even know his rights from his ego! Ha! oh, sorry bad joke.

Went to the chess club today. And no! chess isn't boring or stupid. It's like Tetris. It makes you smarter because you actually use your brain. Did you know that I was most improved chess player of the year? oh yeah! they said I improved because I went from losing in 1min. 53 seconds to losing 2min. 10 seconds! On average! and also, I once took a pawn! Hey, those guys are pretty tough! they are traitors, though. I can't seem to get them to the end of the chess board. there is always a piece in front of it. I try to motivate it sometimes, saying " Come on! Come on! you can do it!", but my opponent just says "a pawn can't attack forward, only diagonally forward". I yell at him " A PAWN CAN DO WHATEVER IT WANTS BECAUSE IT HAS HOPES AND DREAMS LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!" then I encouraged it a little more, but whenever I kill the thing in front of me, the director would walk over and tell me "you can't do that." who does he think he is, telling me what the pawn can and can't do? I think he behaves like that because he had his dreams crushed a long time ago. He doesn't believe in dreams, so he kills dreams. I think.

Crime is getting more serious! just as I walked out the post office door, a car almost ran me over! it was riding on the sidewalk and it almost hit me! Then I saw eleven cop cars follow in pursuit. it made me think: "wow! I almost died right there! what if someone, somewhere, was in my situation, only they were less fortunate as me". Now, you might be guessing that the theme of this story was to live life to the fullest, but it's up to you. it certainly wasn't for me, because just then I felt a wave of nationalist pride fill me. America is supposed to be safe! So then I thought that I should become a soldier or a police officer, so I can save those who need my help! but then I heard car screeching. then I heard an AK-47 break the noise of the sirens. then I heard explosions. I decided that I'm helping my country enough by delivering mail and walked back home.

"Hey! HEY DONT TOUCH"- *in a geeky voice* "hey ya'll its Calvin Richfield! hey, I just got to say Carl I didn't know you had a digital DIARY" *snicker* .

It's a journal and it isn't kept a secret. I share my thoughts with everyone on-

"well isn't that dandy of you! hey, I leveled up on World of War craft! I'm a level 87 Dark Gargoyle! what about you?

(ugh what an idiot! everyone knows that only the geeks, super nerds, and mega-dweebs play as Dark Gargoyle! my classification: nerd.) "It doesn't matter anyway, Calvin. How did you get in here anyway?

"Would you mind if I played on your computer? too late! I already clicked the- oh CRA-

Well, Calvin "accidentally" knocked my computer over and ran away after that, so I couldn't make him pay for my 1,200 dollar Hp computer. I replaced it, and here I am, typing to you live from The Carl Residence (no, you may not know my last name) in Austin, Texas. Hey, have you ever wanted more out of life than just routine? Like, all I do is deliver mail, get paid, and play WOW . Not very exciting, is it? Mother always told me that when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Well, I had a 2.1 G.P.A in school so metaphors meant little to me. why would some guy named life give you free lemons? I mean hello? We are in a recession! But the metaphor meant something more than that. It made me realize that I had to wait until I received the lemons Life supposedly wanted to give me.

..., well, my life has changed forever. I'm no longer going to work at the post office and I finally have a license to kill! Oh, wait, you want to know what happened? ok then, but I'm on a schedule, so I will make it quick.

You know those guys who almost ran me over? the next week they ran in my house and kidnapped me! They must have thought I was a witness to their crime or something, or Calvin put them up to it. I dunno. They destroyed their evidence by burning my house to ashes. thanks a lot, Life! but anyways they took me to an abandoned warehouse with tons of guards. they pinned me to a chair and tied me up. A terrorist-looking guy walked up to me and said "don't move" in that Scary-as-Heck movie voice. he stared at me for a while, then turned around. I guess he was surprised, because he didn't move till I saw bullet holes going through him! "OMG WHAT THE FLIPPIN' HECK? DON'T KILL ME! YOU CAN HAVE MY ACCOUNT, JUST DON'T KILL ME!" I yelled sheepishly. The S.W.A.T team deployed in, and killed every last terrorist. I just sat there, amazed. Well hey, you can't blame me! I'm tied to a chair and bullets are inches from my head!

"Are you okay, Carl?" the team officer said. I didn't respond. I let my gaping mouth do the talking. the officer smiled. "Your a real hero, you know. Thank you." He told his men to untie me, then he led me to his government van. Helicopters and police vehicles were everywhere. It was all amazing, and I had wondered why Life decided to give me such violent lemons.

Before I was kidnapped, I pressed a panic button next to my computer. I keep it just in case someone tries to kill me (secretly it was to get Calvin in trouble if he stepped out of line) it called the police department, and they sent troops to my burnt house. they, fortunately, found evidence that a very dangerous gang was here and the traced it to the abandoned warehouse. they came and saved me and put a stop to one of the fastest-growing gangs ever. it was small, so no one knew of it, but it definitely posed a threat. The police honored me as a hero, and offered me to become an FBI agent. I said yes because its one step closer to TAKING OVER AMERICA! Nah I'm just kidding but I had to take the offer! I mean, what's the point of taking Life's lemons if you aren't going to make lemonade out of it?


End file.
